*SURVIVING MOTHERS DAY 2014*

I know Mothers day has come and gone but I guess better late than never....

Honestly, I was really dreading this day, the day where children make things for their mommies and mommies are told happy Mothers day and are showered with gifts and goodies. I had been dreading this day for a whole week. I didn't want the "looks" from people and I didn't want questions from people. If it wasn't for my amazing husband I don't think I would have survived this day.

We started out celebrating Mothers day on Saturday by purchasing some new cars. We were way past due for some and to be honest the ones we had were about to die. So we spent 8 hours at the dealership. That was pretty fun. We wanted to buy a family car so that's exactly what we got and I couldn't help but think how perfect it would be for our twins.The things we could all do and all the places we could all go together.

On Sunday, Mothers day we started out with breakfast at Cracker Barrel where we sat across twin boys which we believe were Logan and Steven saying hi. I always love randomly seeing twin boys but always it breaks my heart too. Then we headed down to the Georgia Aquarium. Josh and I both have really been wanting to go there for a while. It was awesome. It was amazing to see some of the fish we have at home at the Aquarium. I have always been an animal lover and iv'e always enjoyed going out and seeing different types of animals. I couldn't help but think how I should have been pushing around our double stroller with our 6 month old identical twins. Yes, I was having fun and loved spending time with my husband but it took everything I had not to break down and cry because a huge part of me was missing and I knew I would never get them back. People kept asking me "Are you a mother?" And before I could answer, Josh would say "Yes she is." and people would just say "Well Happy Mothers Day." He was so sweet. I know i'm a mother but being asked that question rips my soul apart because I just want my babies here with us. Its not fair. A parent should never outlive their children. I know our babies were with us enjoying the fish and all but its still so hard and painful. I have to find the strength every single day and get up and live life. So, all I can say is that I survived Mothers day.

Here is a little something one of my sweet wonderful friends posted:

Our friends are amazing and we love you. Thank you for your continued support.

In Memory of 

Logan Mark and Steven George

We Miss You Sweet Babies.

I am a different person

A better person

I am not the same I was before

I am changed

My life has a new meaning now

Everything I am

Everything I do

Is because of you, its for you both.

                                              

LOGAN MARK TORBETT

STEVEN GEORGE TORBETT

GONE BUT NEVER FORGOTTEN.

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY 2014

*BABIES*

So I understand people aren't mind readers and I understand the world doesn't revolve around me so i'm just going to say it and put it out there as nice as I can so everyone knows. I hope with that being said that everyone who knows me will respect this and try to understand where I am coming from.

As most of you know my twin boys Logan and Steven passed away 5 months ago, I am still deeply grieving. I have a full time job, part time job, organizations I am involved with and lots of hobbies. I am busy. You might see me laughing, smiling, working, playing or just simply "enjoying life." Don't let this fool you. My heart is broken and will NEVER be whole again, my soul has been torn out and ripped apart. Our lives have been turned upside down by experiencing the worst thing ever, losing our children. We had to say goodbye before saying hello, before kissing, holding,talking or playing with our children. We didn't get to hear their cries or giggles. With this being said DO NOT bring your newborn babies around me, do not talk to me about how excited you are about being pregnant. If I approach you about your baby or pregnancy that's one thing but be considerate that not every one in the world is excited. There are a lot of mothers and fathers who have lost children and are not comfortable with you flaunting it. I'm just asking that you think twice. This is where i'm at in my life right now and I can not physically or emotionally deal with newborns or pregnant women. So I ask that you don't flaunt it. I'm not saying I cant look at newborns or pregnant women just don't approach me and talk to me about it because I am not interested. I'm very thankful for those who have healthy pregnancies and babies but I didn't so please back off. I say this in the nicest way possible.

*TATTOO*

So usually when I get tattoos I am a nervous mess. I start sweating, shaking and just freak out because I know it hurts!! lol We went to clocked in Athens to eat some DELICIOUS burgers right before my appt. When my babies passed away I knew immediately that I wanted to get their hand prints and names tattooed close to my heart. It goes along with my favorite quote:
"You didn't have time to make fingerprints on the wall, instead you made fingerprints on our hearts."
I decided to bring the molds we have of their hands and their beads of courage. I wanted to see my babies so I brought their pictures as well. Surprisingly, I wasn't shaking or sweating not even freaking out. I was actually calm. Strange. As we began to get started I asked the tattoo artist Graham from pain and Wonder tattoo in Athens, if it would be ok if I put a picture of my babies up so they could watch. I know it sounds crazy. He was so sweet and let me do whatever made me comfortable. The whole time I was getting tattooed I just felt this overwhelming feeling of peace and love. I believe my babies were there watching over their mommy and trying to make this tattoo process as smooth as possible. The pain wasn't at all what I expected, not really painful at all. I'm thankful that days are starting to get a bit easier now. I am constantly feeling Logan and Steven around me and its so comforting to me. Their presence is always around me.

Love you Logan and Steven.
Mommy and Daddy miss you so much.

*TREES*

Most of you know that for my due date Josh and I planted 2 apple trees in memory of Logan and Steven. I wanted to plant trees so I would have something to watch while it grew. We decided on apples trees because you need 2 trees to produce apples and I like the idea of giving apples away. Kind of like sharing a piece of my twins with the world. Since I had twins having 2 trees seemed appropriate. Sharing this story about the trees with people brings peace and joy to my heart. I thought this would be a comforting thing to do but I never knew how my story would comfort others.

There is this sweet man that I have known for a while that knew me while I was pregnant. We would talk about his young children and my twins all the time. He even knows my story about losing my twins. Well shortly after I lost my babies his wife became pregnant. I knew how nervous and excited he was. The day for finding out the gender was approaching so when I saw him again I was excited to find out the gender. Sadly, he told me that his baby had no heartbeat. His wife was 4 months pregnant. So many emotions and memories rushed through my head. As we continued to talk he told me that they had planted a peach tree in memory of their baby. He said that they found comfort in doing this and it really has helped with their grief. He told me that he was very thankful that I had shared my story with him and that he believes people cross paths to make a difference in each others lives. I wanted to cry. Planting this peach tree meant so much to them like our apple trees mean to us. Its amazing how you can change someones life by just talking and sharing experiences. I am so thankful that my babies are helping people, changing lives and making a difference through me and their daddy.

*Different Me*

I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. I use to think nothing bad could ever happen to me. My life was exactly how i wanted it. Married to my amazing husband and pregnant with TWINS. I use to always tell people what they wanted to hear instead of the truth because I didn't want to hurt them or I wanted to avoid confrontation, I was a people pleaser. I would always put peoples feelings first. Then my twins passed away and my world changed forever. I became a different person, a different me. I realized that no matter what you do things still happen. It didn't matter if you were good or bad, bad things still happen. I became outspoken and honest. I no longer put peoples feelings before mine and I do whats best for me and my husband. I found the strength to put aside all the BS and push all the negative people out of my life because there is no room for negativity nor do I want it. My life 4 months consisted of pleasing people. My new life consists of giving back to those who were there for me and continue to be there through good and bad. I have made new friendships with some amazing people that mean the world to me who have shown support and love more than some people I have known for years. My life now is about Logan and Steven and giving back to those who helped them. Everything I do is in memory of my boys. The way I am now is because of my boys. I love more, give more, support more, understand more, i'm stronger and I have learned to just be honest no matter what. This might seem mean but to be honest I don't care. This is who I am. I have the right to live my life and do whats best for me. I look at the world from a different view now and the little things I use to think were important aren't anymore. I realized there are more important things in life. I may not be as happy as I was before but i'm hoping that with time this grief wont be as painful. I see things a lot clearer now and I am grateful. My babies have taught me a new way of life and even though they aren't physically here with me I am thankful they are a part of my life because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

*More than just a Coincidence*

So my wonderful husband took me fishing this past Saturday 3/15/14 since I had NEVER been fishing before. I woke up in a funky mood because Steven passed away 4 months ago on 11/15/13. So I was irritable, sad, angry just full of different emotions. We went and got our fishing licenses and decided to go somewhere nearby and ended up at Fort Yargo. As we entered the park I noticed a stone sign that said
"Camp Twin Lakes" with a picture of a kite. Kites to us symbolize our twin boys. Seeing that sign at first made me a little depressed because it made me really miss my babies. When we finally found a nice spot, we parked and started to unload our fishing gear. This dad and his 3 boys walk up to their car next to us and gather their things to leave. One boy was older and the other 2 were TWINS. So I asked myself, is this a coincidence or something more? I believe that on this hard day full of different emotions, our babies were stopping by to say hello. I believe they were letting us know that they are around and they are there with us going fishing! It was a very peaceful feeling. I'm starting to think these "signs" are more than just coincidences. I think that if I could start to read these signs from my babies and look at them in a positive way I can be more at peace and know my babies are always with us. I like to think that these aren't just coincidences but signs from my babies. Even though I cant physically see them or feel them I know they are both here with us.

*Poem for my Angels*

I awake each morning to start a new day
As I try to seem like everything is okay
I go about the things I have to do
But all I can think of is how I lost you

As the hours go by
All I want to do is cry
Because the pain of losing you
Is to much to go through

My soul has been ripped apart
And I am missing pieces of my heart
Sometimes it gets to much to bear
The fact that life just isn't fair

You weren't given a chance
To grow up and dance
Or to go out and play
Instead you were taken away

I wish you could feel the sun
We could have had so much fun
I would have taken you everywhere
And have adventures to share

I feel so empty inside
Like a part of me has died
Life seems to worsen
Now i'm a different person

But no matter how bad the pain
I will continue to maintain
Because my love for you
Will always get me through

Dedicated to Logan & Steven
-Written by your Mommy with so much love