"You didn't have time to make fingerprints on the wall,
Instead you made fingerprints on our hearts."

Friday, February 28, 2014

*Moving Forward*

I read somewhere that you can not "move on" but that you "move forward" with life and I strongly believe this. As much as I just want time to stop and people to stop it doesn't and they don't. I mean how can you live life without your babies? You just have to. I'm afraid that as time goes on people will forget about my babies and I fear that dates and events will start to fade away. I fear that I wont remember my babies faces. So I want time to stop but I know that's not possible. People have lives of their own and are happy living them. Families will continue to grow and children will continue to laugh and play. Its not fair. My family is broken and missing pieces, pieces we will never get back. We cant see, hear or feel our children. I see parents who don't take care of their children and treat them badly and then I see great couples who cant have children. It makes me sick. So many parents are ungrateful. My husband and I would have been great parents, we would have loved our children and taken care of them. I waited so long for my babies and then they are just taken away. Makes no sense. I want to understand but I know its just one of those things that "just happens" to people, good people. Losing a child is the worst feeling in the world, a feeling I believe never goes away. You learn to function, laugh and socialize but the pain never goes away. A type of pain that eats your soul and consumes you but yet you find a way to live again. My stomach is constantly in knots and I am constantly tired. I hear these are symptoms of grief. You can't always physically tell a person is grieving but they are. I admit, I laugh and socialize but i'm angry and sad. I am mad at the world. I know its not the worlds fault, they didn't take my babies but i'm still angry. Another symptom of grief. I get tired of people saying "it will get better", "God has a purpose" or "you will have more children."  I know people are just trying to help and I know people don't know what to say but bereaved parents don't want to hear things like that. I don't anyway. No one knows what the future holds, not everyone believes in god and children are not replaceable. Honestly there really isn't anything "good" to say but for me a simple "i'm sorry" or just simply asking me about my babies helps. Ask me what their names were or what they looked like. Sometimes bereaved parents just want to know that people care about their babies. Just because our children aren't physically here doesn't mean they don't exist, they do. I will never stop talking about Logan and Steven. Just like any other child I will buy them things and celebrate their birthdays. Losing a child is not something you just sweep under the rug. You don't keep quiet. You celebrate their lives.

Kites we bought to fly with Logan and Steven

Thursday, February 27, 2014

*Due Date*

Written on 2/25/14:

The day I have been dreading is here. February 25th my due date, the day Josh and I should have met our sweet twins Logan and Steven for the first time. Today should have been a happy and wonderful day. Instead we are left with heartache and sadness because our babies came too soon and we couldn't save them. I always ask myself "how can we go on and live life without our babies?" The truth is you just have to because life doesn't stop it keeps going and people continue to live their lives to the fullest. It's not fair. I feel so cheated. I'm constantly reminded of what I lost and constantly surrounded by pregnant women and twins. So as much as I don't want to I have to be strong and live life because I don't think our babies would want us miserable all the time. Today is going to be very hard and emotional but we will get through it.

In memory of our babies we planted 2 apple trees.

*Our Story*

Logan Mark Torbett & Steven George Torbett
On November 10th 2013 our lives changed forever as I gave birth via an emergency c-section to our beautiful twin boys Logan Mark and Steven George prematurely at 24 1/2 weeks due to severe cramps leading to early labor. Our first born, Logan was 12 1/2 inches long and weighed 1lb 11oz and Steven was 12 1/2 inches long and weighed 1lb 14oz. Both had a full head of dark brown hair and looked just like their daddy. We were surprised to see how big they were for how premature they both were and that gave us hope that they might survive. They both had to undergo different types of procedures and take medications. As one progressed the other seem to worsen. Logan began to get worse so they put him on an oscillator (ventilator). Shortly after Steven started to get worse too and needed to be transferred to another hospital so he could be on an oscillator as well. After a long 12 hour fight Logan just kept getting worse. We decided to have Logan baptized and he passed away in our arms on November 11, 2013. Once Steven arrived at the other hospital he was put on an oscillator and nitric oxide and seemed to be progressing. On November 14th we were told that Steven had a level 4 brain bleed and if he survived he would have severe cerebral palsy and mental retardation. We were then put in the worse situation a parent could be in. We had to make a choice to either keep him on these machines and medications or peacefully set him free to be with his older twin brother. We decided to have him baptized and on November 15th we held our second baby boy as he passed away in our arms. The only comfort we had was knowing that our twin sons would be together forever like they should be. No parent should ever have to experience this heartache and make these choices that we had to make.