Is it "normal" to feel so empty? Like your life cant be fulfilled? I have my good and bad days. I have never really been the one to really express my feelings in person, so many of you wouldn't be able to tell if I was anything but happy. I feel so ungrateful. I have so many wonderful people and things in my life but it seems like nothing really matters anymore since I don't have my babies. Sounds awful I know. I love my husband and I would do anything for him and I KNOW if it wasn't for him I would not be able to get up in the mornings. He keeps me strong and going. I find myself getting so angry and frustrated at everything. Its just not fair. Why did my babies have to die? What did we do? I guess we can ask ourselves that question for the rest of our lives and never get an answer. I just want to know they are happy and safe. I will never know. I am not religious so don't get religious with me. I still find joy in things and I still have fun but when my mind is not distracted I feel so empty. Kind of like in a daze. I constantly think of Logan and Steven even when i'm occupied doing fun things or just working but when i'm done this emptiness hits me. Sometimes even when I am having fun I think about how they would be having fun with us and I break down. My life revolves around them. Everything is about them. Do other parents feel the same about their children? Is that a stupid question? Because I don't know. I couldn't wait to meet my babies and I couldn't wait to spend every second with them. I hear parents complain constantly, or I see/hear parents neglect and kill their children and it makes me sick. I just want to tell them "Be grateful, at least they are still alive." And don't tell me "Well you don't know what its like to have children." Because I would LOVE to have my babies running around screaming all day long. Be grateful most of you have never had to hold your babies until they took their last breath. Be grateful you don't have this emptiness in your heart. All I have are memories of them, memories of being pregnant, memories of hospitals and memories of them passing in my arms. Shittiest thing a parent has to go through. As empty as I feel sometimes it helps being around good positive friends who allow me to share my babies with them. For that I am grateful. Thank you to those who continue to show support and love for my babies. I love when ya'll acknowledge them. Thank you for not running and hiding and leaving them in the dark.
Mommy and daddy love you and always think about you.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Most of you don't know but Logan and Steven's nursery was going to be blue, brown and monkeys. I always imagined stripes and polka dots too. Most of you don't know that they passed away a few days before my first baby shower. I still have all the things we purchased for them like the red and black polka dot double stroller, the matching zoo animal bouncers, matching monkey outfits, the zoo animal crib mobile and baby food. I still have all the baby shower gifts I did receive from people like blankets, pacifiers, toys and pack n plays. Most of you don't know that the crib is still up and in our room. I'm sure most of ya'll are thinking, how do I deal with having all these things around? Well for me, its like having them around still. I like to be reminded of them from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. These are all the physical things I have left that belong to them, things they would have liked. I figured I would never know what they would have liked growing up so I wanted to keep everything that belong to them. I was wrong. I never thought that after they passed away that they would show me things they like. There are certain things I see and do that bring great joy to me. Its like they are letting me know what they enjoy. Little things like flying a kite. Windmills and pinwheels. Dragonflies and fireflies. And water. I never really cared much for flying kites but a good friend of mine shared a wonderful dream she had of Logan and Steven flying kites. There's something about windmills and pinwheels that i'm so drawn to, they make me feel so at peace. For some reason dragonflies and fireflies are so comforting to me. I constantly find a dragonfly around me and I catch myself staring at fireflies right before I fall asleep. Lately, i've been so drawn to water and I have never really been a water person. I've never really been the type to want to be in the pool, ocean or lake but lately all I want to do is be in it. I have developed strong connections to certain things that bring peace and joy to my life and I don't think its a coincidence or just something I suddenly enjoy. I believe its my babies saying hi and letting me know they are here with me and that they enjoy these little things too.