*Moving Forward*

I read somewhere that you can not "move on" but that you "move forward" with life and I strongly believe this. As much as I just want time to stop and people to stop it doesn't and they don't. I mean how can you live life without your babies? You just have to. I'm afraid that as time goes on people will forget about my babies and I fear that dates and events will start to fade away. I fear that I wont remember my babies faces. So I want time to stop but I know that's not possible. People have lives of their own and are happy living them. Families will continue to grow and children will continue to laugh and play. Its not fair. My family is broken and missing pieces, pieces we will never get back. We cant see, hear or feel our children. I see parents who don't take care of their children and treat them badly and then I see great couples who cant have children. It makes me sick. So many parents are ungrateful. My husband and I would have been great parents, we would have loved our children and taken care of them. I waited so long for my babies and then they are just taken away. Makes no sense. I want to understand but I know its just one of those things that "just happens" to people, good people. Losing a child is the worst feeling in the world, a feeling I believe never goes away. You learn to function, laugh and socialize but the pain never goes away. A type of pain that eats your soul and consumes you but yet you find a way to live again. My stomach is constantly in knots and I am constantly tired. I hear these are symptoms of grief. You can't always physically tell a person is grieving but they are. I admit, I laugh and socialize but i'm angry and sad. I am mad at the world. I know its not the worlds fault, they didn't take my babies but i'm still angry. Another symptom of grief. I get tired of people saying "it will get better", "God has a purpose" or "you will have more children."  I know people are just trying to help and I know people don't know what to say but bereaved parents don't want to hear things like that. I don't anyway. No one knows what the future holds, not everyone believes in god and children are not replaceable. Honestly there really isn't anything "good" to say but for me a simple "i'm sorry" or just simply asking me about my babies helps. Ask me what their names were or what they looked like. Sometimes bereaved parents just want to know that people care about their babies. Just because our children aren't physically here doesn't mean they don't exist, they do. I will never stop talking about Logan and Steven. Just like any other child I will buy them things and celebrate their birthdays. Losing a child is not something you just sweep under the rug. You don't keep quiet. You celebrate their lives.

Kites we bought to fly with Logan and Steven