*TREES*

Most of you know that for my due date Josh and I planted 2 apple trees in memory of Logan and Steven. I wanted to plant trees so I would have something to watch while it grew. We decided on apples trees because you need 2 trees to produce apples and I like the idea of giving apples away. Kind of like sharing a piece of my twins with the world. Since I had twins having 2 trees seemed appropriate. Sharing this story about the trees with people brings peace and joy to my heart. I thought this would be a comforting thing to do but I never knew how my story would comfort others.

There is this sweet man that I have known for a while that knew me while I was pregnant. We would talk about his young children and my twins all the time. He even knows my story about losing my twins. Well shortly after I lost my babies his wife became pregnant. I knew how nervous and excited he was. The day for finding out the gender was approaching so when I saw him again I was excited to find out the gender. Sadly, he told me that his baby had no heartbeat. His wife was 4 months pregnant. So many emotions and memories rushed through my head. As we continued to talk he told me that they had planted a peach tree in memory of their baby. He said that they found comfort in doing this and it really has helped with their grief. He told me that he was very thankful that I had shared my story with him and that he believes people cross paths to make a difference in each others lives. I wanted to cry. Planting this peach tree meant so much to them like our apple trees mean to us. Its amazing how you can change someones life by just talking and sharing experiences. I am so thankful that my babies are helping people, changing lives and making a difference through me and their daddy.

*Different Me*

I am not the same person I was 4 months ago. I use to think nothing bad could ever happen to me. My life was exactly how i wanted it. Married to my amazing husband and pregnant with TWINS. I use to always tell people what they wanted to hear instead of the truth because I didn't want to hurt them or I wanted to avoid confrontation, I was a people pleaser. I would always put peoples feelings first. Then my twins passed away and my world changed forever. I became a different person, a different me. I realized that no matter what you do things still happen. It didn't matter if you were good or bad, bad things still happen. I became outspoken and honest. I no longer put peoples feelings before mine and I do whats best for me and my husband. I found the strength to put aside all the BS and push all the negative people out of my life because there is no room for negativity nor do I want it. My life 4 months consisted of pleasing people. My new life consists of giving back to those who were there for me and continue to be there through good and bad. I have made new friendships with some amazing people that mean the world to me who have shown support and love more than some people I have known for years. My life now is about Logan and Steven and giving back to those who helped them. Everything I do is in memory of my boys. The way I am now is because of my boys. I love more, give more, support more, understand more, i'm stronger and I have learned to just be honest no matter what. This might seem mean but to be honest I don't care. This is who I am. I have the right to live my life and do whats best for me. I look at the world from a different view now and the little things I use to think were important aren't anymore. I realized there are more important things in life. I may not be as happy as I was before but i'm hoping that with time this grief wont be as painful. I see things a lot clearer now and I am grateful. My babies have taught me a new way of life and even though they aren't physically here with me I am thankful they are a part of my life because without them I wouldn't be the person I am today.

*More than just a Coincidence*

So my wonderful husband took me fishing this past Saturday 3/15/14 since I had NEVER been fishing before. I woke up in a funky mood because Steven passed away 4 months ago on 11/15/13. So I was irritable, sad, angry just full of different emotions. We went and got our fishing licenses and decided to go somewhere nearby and ended up at Fort Yargo. As we entered the park I noticed a stone sign that said
"Camp Twin Lakes" with a picture of a kite. Kites to us symbolize our twin boys. Seeing that sign at first made me a little depressed because it made me really miss my babies. When we finally found a nice spot, we parked and started to unload our fishing gear. This dad and his 3 boys walk up to their car next to us and gather their things to leave. One boy was older and the other 2 were TWINS. So I asked myself, is this a coincidence or something more? I believe that on this hard day full of different emotions, our babies were stopping by to say hello. I believe they were letting us know that they are around and they are there with us going fishing! It was a very peaceful feeling. I'm starting to think these "signs" are more than just coincidences. I think that if I could start to read these signs from my babies and look at them in a positive way I can be more at peace and know my babies are always with us. I like to think that these aren't just coincidences but signs from my babies. Even though I cant physically see them or feel them I know they are both here with us.

*Poem for my Angels*

I awake each morning to start a new day
As I try to seem like everything is okay
I go about the things I have to do
But all I can think of is how I lost you

As the hours go by
All I want to do is cry
Because the pain of losing you
Is to much to go through

My soul has been ripped apart
And I am missing pieces of my heart
Sometimes it gets to much to bear
The fact that life just isn't fair

You weren't given a chance
To grow up and dance
Or to go out and play
Instead you were taken away

I wish you could feel the sun
We could have had so much fun
I would have taken you everywhere
And have adventures to share

I feel so empty inside
Like a part of me has died
Life seems to worsen
Now i'm a different person

But no matter how bad the pain
I will continue to maintain
Because my love for you
Will always get me through

Dedicated to Logan & Steven
-Written by your Mommy with so much love

*If Only*

Today was kind of a down day, these days come and go. Some days are good and some days i'm just blah, almost numb. I tend to get irritable on these days and get tired. I napped most of today away. While sitting on my couch watching TV I saw commercials for Resurrection which is a TV series about previously dead people who come back to life. (not zombies) This was pretty depressing to watch. Is this silly? Not too long ago I watched this movie called Elysium which is about a luxurious space habitat where people use these medical devices to cure diseases and injuries. That was depressing too. If only, people did come back from the dead and if only we had these medical devices then we would still have our babies but then no one would die, we would all live forever, right? The truth is I couldn't help imagine what it would be like if my babies did come back to life and I couldn't help imagine all the things I would do to get my babies to one of these medical devices so they could be well enough to live. I know none of these things are possible but wouldn't it be great? No one close to me has ever died and I never realized how painful it is, especially the pain that comes from losing a child. Not saying that one loss is worse than another but no parent should have to bury their child. Only a parent who has lost a child understands this pain and sadly there are many. I get so angry when some mothers hear my story and suddenly they appreciate their children more, hug them more, yell at them less and look at me with that look, that sad look. It shouldn't have to take a story like this to make you realize what you have. You should always appreciate your children no matter how frustrated you are and you should always be grateful because you never know what could happen. The whole time I was pregnant I was so happy. I was just so thankful that I was finally pregnant. I never complained about gaining weight or buying maternity clothes. I was so excited to finally buy maternity clothes and finally feel my babies move. I didn't care if I gained a lot of weight or got stretch marks I just wanted healthy babies. I always put my babies first. I always washed my hands, stayed away from seafood, cheeses, ate my fruits and veggies and always tried to rest and my babies were still taken away. All these parents that do drugs, smoke, drink or have hundreds of children they cant take care of and still have healthy babies. Yea, I think life is fucked up. Sometimes I wonder if I was a bad person in my past life and this is payback because this is horrible, I will say it again and again, this isn't fair. Its unfair that my husband and I prepared for so long just to have empty broken hearts. We were suppose to have twin sons calling us mommy and daddy and we don't. We had made plans to get up at night to feed the babies and pretty much bought 2 of everything. Even got the double stroller. I sometimes ask myself, am I still a mommy? Are we still parents? Some people say yes but I don't always feel that way because I cant hold my children and that makes me sad. Its still hard to believe that we went from a mother of multiples group to an infant loss group. The only "good" thing that has come out of all this pain, if there is such a thing as "good" is I have gotten closer to some people and we have met some new amazing, loving and supportive people. I have received more love and support from these people then some people who have been in my life for years. For that i'm grateful, grateful that my loving husband and I don't have to walk this journey of our new life alone.