"You didn't have time to make fingerprints on the wall,
Instead you made fingerprints on our hearts."

Monday, June 16, 2014

*FATHERS DAY 2014 (heart broken for my husband)*

This time last year on a Wednesday we had just found out we were pregnant. My husband, Josh was studying for a huge midterm and compass test and I remember him being super stressed out. It probably wasn't the best time to hand him my 2 positive pregnancy tests but that wasn't something I could keep to myself very long. We were super nervous and excited. We hadn't really talked about having children, we both wanted them someday but we weren't trying. We were so ecstatic when we found out we were having twins!! Most people cant imagine having twins but we couldn't have been happier. It took a while to get use to because I couldn't imagine physically carrying 2 babies in my body but we thought having 2 children grow up together and do everything together was amazing. Well, the day we found out they were boys Josh was smiling from ear to ear. I thought he was going to jump out of his skin with joy. He was so cute. He was such a proud daddy. We couldn't wait to meet our identical twin boys.

Josh kept thinking of all the pranks we would play on our families and teachers. I kept thinking about what sports they would play, football or baseball? Would they be actors? Or would they have their own company together? Or would they be firefighters or policemen? I imagined them being like their daddy and wanting a career where they could help their community. Our dreams and plans were endless. Our babies had a bright future ahead of them because their daddy and mommy loved them and only wanted the best for them. Daddy was so proud he couldn't stop talking about his boys. So I ended up getting him the cutest shirt ever. 
He wore this shirt everywhere!! He just loved showing off that he was going to be a daddy to identical twin boys. It just breaks my heart that this shirt just sits in the closet. It breaks my heart that all the dreams he had for his babies are gone. Gone in a second. Josh did not deserve this. No one does. A man who puts his life in danger to save strangers, a man who drops everything when needed to help people and a husband who does anything and everything just to make his wife happy does not deserve this pain. He did not deserve to hold both his children, only children and watch them die. As a provider and protector I know he felt so helpless. I know he still feels helpless. The fact that he couldn't do anything to help his babies, save his babies and keep his family from hurting. He is the strongest person I know. To be able to remain strong for his family while his soul is being ripped apart by pain. Most men don't put their feelings out there and just because they don't show it, they are hurting too. I hope that people remember that my husband is a daddy too. He is a great daddy. One who loved his children so much he made some difficult decisions that no daddy should ever have to make. I read this on "I am a daddy to an angel" on FB and thought it was perfect.

A Father's Grief

It must be very difficult 
To be a man in grief, 
Since "men don't cry" 
and "men are strong" 
No tears can bring relief.

It must be very difficult 
To stand up to the test, 
And field the calls and visitors
So she can get some rest.

They always ask if she's all right
And what she's going through.
But seldom take his hand and ask,
"My friend, but how are you?"

He hears her crying in the night
And thinks his heart will break.
He dries her tears and comforts her,
But "stays strong" for her sake.

It must be very difficult
To start each day anew.
And try to be so very brave-
He lost his baby too.

Fathers Day was difficult but we made the best out of it considering. We went to the Braves vs Angels game in Atlanta with our infant loss group Rock Goodbye Angel. This game didn't end until after midnight but it was a lot of fun. We had a blast with some amazing people. 

We saw a couple sets of twins which was nice. We like to think its Logan and Steven saying hi. Josh also noticed this on the inside of his hat. Which I thought was crazy.

So, even though our babies aren't here physically they are definitely here in spirit. Wherever they are I know they are with us and they know how much we LOVE them and MISS them.

Baby Logan
Baby Steven

Happy Fathers Day to the strongest and most loving daddy.
Logan, Steven, Ali, Diogi and Mommy love you so much and we are so proud of you.

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