"You didn't have time to make fingerprints on the wall,
Instead you made fingerprints on our hearts."

Wednesday, July 2, 2014


Most of you don't know but Logan and Steven's nursery was going to be blue, brown and monkeys. I always imagined stripes and polka dots too. Most of you don't know that they passed away a few days before my first baby shower. I still have all the things we purchased for them like the red and black polka dot double stroller, the matching zoo animal bouncers, matching monkey outfits, the zoo animal crib mobile and baby food. I still have all the baby shower gifts I did receive from people like blankets, pacifiers, toys and pack n plays. Most of you don't know that the crib is still up and in our room. I'm sure most of ya'll are thinking, how do I deal with having all these things around? Well for me, its like having them around still. I like to be reminded of them from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. These are all the physical things I have left that belong to them, things they would have liked. I figured I would never know what they would have liked growing up so I wanted to keep everything that belong to them. I was wrong. I never thought that after they passed away that they would show me things they like. There are certain things I see and do that bring great joy to me. Its like they are letting me know what they enjoy. Little things like flying a kite. Windmills and pinwheels. Dragonflies and fireflies. And water. I never really cared much for flying kites but a good friend of mine shared a wonderful dream she had of Logan and Steven flying kites. There's something about windmills and pinwheels that i'm so drawn to, they make me feel so at peace. For some reason dragonflies and fireflies are so comforting to me. I constantly find a dragonfly around me and I catch myself staring at fireflies right before I fall asleep. Lately, i've been so drawn to water and I have never really been a water person. I've never really been the type to want to be in the pool, ocean or lake but lately all I want to do is be in it. I have developed strong connections to certain things that bring peace and joy to my life and I don't think its a coincidence or just something I suddenly enjoy. I believe its my babies saying hi and letting me know they are here with me and that they enjoy these little things too.

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