"You didn't have time to make fingerprints on the wall,
Instead you made fingerprints on our hearts."

Sunday, July 6, 2014


Is it "normal" to feel so empty? Like your life cant be fulfilled? I have my good and bad days. I have never really been the one to really express my feelings in person, so many of you wouldn't be able to tell if I was anything but happy. I feel so ungrateful. I have so many wonderful people and things in my life but it seems like nothing really matters anymore since I don't have my babies. Sounds awful I know. I love my husband and I would do anything for him and I KNOW if it wasn't for him I would not be able to get up in the mornings. He keeps me strong and going. I find myself getting so angry and frustrated at everything. Its just not fair. Why did my babies have to die? What did we do? I guess we can ask ourselves that question for the rest of our lives and never get an answer. I just want to know they are happy and safe. I will never know. I am not religious so don't get religious with me. I still find joy in things and I still have fun but when my mind is not distracted I feel so empty. Kind of like in a daze. I constantly think of Logan and Steven even when i'm occupied doing fun things or just working but when i'm done this emptiness hits me. Sometimes even when I am having fun I think about how they would be having fun with us and I break down. My life revolves around them. Everything is about them. Do other parents feel the same about their children? Is that a stupid question? Because I don't know. I couldn't wait to meet my babies and I couldn't wait to spend every second with them. I hear parents complain constantly, or I see/hear parents neglect and kill their children and it makes me sick. I just want to tell them "Be grateful, at least they are still alive." And don't tell me "Well you don't know what its like to have children." Because I would LOVE to have my babies running around screaming all day long. Be grateful most of you have never had to hold your babies until they took their last breath. Be grateful you don't have this emptiness in your heart. All I have are memories of them, memories of being pregnant, memories of hospitals and memories of them passing in my arms. Shittiest thing a parent has to go through. As empty as I feel sometimes it helps being around good positive friends who allow me to share my babies with them. For that I am grateful. Thank you to those who continue to show support and love for my babies. I love when ya'll acknowledge them. Thank you for not running and hiding and leaving them in the dark.

Mommy and daddy love you and always think about you.


  1. I can relate to how you feel. Life does feel so empty. I think part of the horror is that both of us lost our only children. We don't like "a family". No one knows we are mommies and daddies at all and we don't get recognized as such except by those very sensitive and wonderful friends we have found. Anyway... I hope they visit you again soon. Addison's visits always help me just a little for that moment.

  2. Thank you Emily. I'm glad all us angel baby parents have each other. It's nice to know people who can relate, people you can share your stories with. I feel like I live 2 different lives, one with people like me and one with "normal" people who will never understand. It sucks to not be able to openly share your story. I get it, it's sad and no one wants to hear about how you lost a child or how they died. It hurts but it hurts us not to be able to share my babies with the world like most parents.