*If Only*

Today was kind of a down day, these days come and go. Some days are good and some days i'm just blah, almost numb. I tend to get irritable on these days and get tired. I napped most of today away. While sitting on my couch watching TV I saw commercials for Resurrection which is a TV series about previously dead people who come back to life. (not zombies) This was pretty depressing to watch. Is this silly? Not too long ago I watched this movie called Elysium which is about a luxurious space habitat where people use these medical devices to cure diseases and injuries. That was depressing too. If only, people did come back from the dead and if only we had these medical devices then we would still have our babies but then no one would die, we would all live forever, right? The truth is I couldn't help imagine what it would be like if my babies did come back to life and I couldn't help imagine all the things I would do to get my babies to one of these medical devices so they could be well enough to live. I know none of these things are possible but wouldn't it be great? No one close to me has ever died and I never realized how painful it is, especially the pain that comes from losing a child. Not saying that one loss is worse than another but no parent should have to bury their child. Only a parent who has lost a child understands this pain and sadly there are many. I get so angry when some mothers hear my story and suddenly they appreciate their children more, hug them more, yell at them less and look at me with that look, that sad look. It shouldn't have to take a story like this to make you realize what you have. You should always appreciate your children no matter how frustrated you are and you should always be grateful because you never know what could happen. The whole time I was pregnant I was so happy. I was just so thankful that I was finally pregnant. I never complained about gaining weight or buying maternity clothes. I was so excited to finally buy maternity clothes and finally feel my babies move. I didn't care if I gained a lot of weight or got stretch marks I just wanted healthy babies. I always put my babies first. I always washed my hands, stayed away from seafood, cheeses, ate my fruits and veggies and always tried to rest and my babies were still taken away. All these parents that do drugs, smoke, drink or have hundreds of children they cant take care of and still have healthy babies. Yea, I think life is fucked up. Sometimes I wonder if I was a bad person in my past life and this is payback because this is horrible, I will say it again and again, this isn't fair. Its unfair that my husband and I prepared for so long just to have empty broken hearts. We were suppose to have twin sons calling us mommy and daddy and we don't. We had made plans to get up at night to feed the babies and pretty much bought 2 of everything. Even got the double stroller. I sometimes ask myself, am I still a mommy? Are we still parents? Some people say yes but I don't always feel that way because I cant hold my children and that makes me sad. Its still hard to believe that we went from a mother of multiples group to an infant loss group. The only "good" thing that has come out of all this pain, if there is such a thing as "good" is I have gotten closer to some people and we have met some new amazing, loving and supportive people. I have received more love and support from these people then some people who have been in my life for years. For that i'm grateful, grateful that my loving husband and I don't have to walk this journey of our new life alone.